I had a client recently who complained about not feeling
like he was "his own person."

"It's like I live my whole life for others, and I never
really feel worthy."

Pretty funny, since he an attorney, partner in a large firm
employing a couple hundred lawyers.

"So how do you act at work?" I asked.

"Oh, then I'm being the Guy in Charge, so that's a
no-brainer," he answered. "It's when I stop to think about
where my life is going that I come up blank."

I realized that I had heard this story dozens of times in
the years I've been working with high-powered clients. Most
of them were so busy getting through school and being
"super-stars" that they never really found out what it was
like to just be themselves.

Then again, I've also heard the same thing from working
moms, cab drivers and waitresses, and unemployed veterans.

Hmmm. Something important here.

All of these good people, no matter what walk of life they
were in, have come up missing in the "independence"
department.

Forty years ago there was an amazing British television
series, called "The Prisoner." It was about a man, a former
secret agent, who was imprisoned in a resort village by an
anonymous government that wanted him to become a number.

"I am not a number," he would shout in the opening of each
episode, "I am a Free Man!" It was an interesting series,
exploring the mindset of a person who, although his body was
imprisoned, remained free in his mind.

And now today, even in a relatively free country, there seem
to be a lot of people who don't feel particularly "free".

How about you? Do you feel like you need to be more "your
own person?"

A feeling of independence is an attitude, and attitudes are
a matter of choice.

The choice may be unconscious like most of our choices. But
if you find an attitude may be important it can be created.
When you want to do that, all you need is a method.

Here are a couple of small thought processes that will make
a quick difference in your degree of personal independence:

1) Your self-image — building one that strengthens you

Find some time when you can be undisturbed. Relax. Look
inside yourself to see what comes up when you consider
yourself.

Is it a picture? Is it realistic? Is it flattering or
negative? What do you see in your mind's eye? Is there any
kind of commentary running in the background, whispering
into your ear? Is it flattering or a teardown?

If you become aware of any negative commentary about
yourself, why don't you consider changing it? I mean, how
much fun do you have if you are allowing some old tape in
your head to brainwash you and make you feel bad about
yourself? So argue with it, and in your own voice make a
commentary about your good points. By the way, whose voice
is it??

When you think of your visual image, consider this — what
image of you would a person that loved you see when thinking
of you? How would that picture differ from the one you're
seeing now? If a person that loved you sees you as a better
self than you do, how about adopting their picture? It would
be an inspiration to be better, and what harm could that do?

When you get a picture of yourself that makes you feel good,
enrich the image, make the colors brighter, and perhaps turn
it into a 3-D movie.

2) Your "other-image" — creating one that frees you from
over-concern with the opinions of other people

Your "other-image" is what I call the image you have inside
your head whenever you think of someone else. When you think
of someone else, someone who has an influence with you, what
kind of image do you see?

I know it'll be different, from person to person. Whether
you're talking about a lover, parent, friend, or child, the
image will be different.

If you look at the images of two or three people whose
opinion you value — whose opinion might even change a
decision of yours — if you look at their images you will
probably find some visual quality that's common. The images
might all have the same expression, or give you the same
feeling, or be equally bright or in the same location (where
you look to see the imaginary image in your mind).

Anyway, make up a sample of a typical other-image (sort of
an average of all the people whose opinion might influence
you.) Notice the character of these "other-images," and see
if they make you feel too dependent or smaller than you
really are.

Then switch to your "adjusted" self-image, which you
fine-tuned in exercise number one. Adjust it a little
further if you need to strengthen the loving kindness that
is the way you want to look at your self-image.

Then switch back to your "other-image", and make sure it is
smaller and further away than your self-image.

Switch back and forth, making the adjustments in each image
till they both feel fine and comfortable to you. You need to
keep checking the feelings triggered in you by each image.
Keep switching until the images don't need any more changes
made.

SECRET OF SUCCESS

The way to make this work is to allow your imagination time
to really SEE these images. That's how the effect will take
place. It's not enough to say to yourself, "Oh, I see what
he's talking about." Actually DOING it is the only way to
make these kinds of changes. If you take a few minutes
you'll see for yourself.

Take your time. Get it right.

And when you're done, you might be surprised to find
yourself feeling less concerned about opinions others might
have regarding your choices and decisions.

3) Dealing with boundaries — expanding your sense of
personal freedom

While sitting still, close your eyes and feel the space
around you. Notice how much space you enclose in your
personal boundary. It may be very close to your clothing, or
it may be a few inches to a few feet beyond the boundaries
of your physical body. Just notice where the edge is at the
moment.

Now, just for fun, change it so that your "personal space"
includes the entire room you are sitting in. Notice any
changes in your feeling that may follow. Take your time.

Now enlarge it, so that you include the entire building you
are sitting in. Of course, your point of view enlarges with
it — so now you know what to do when I ask that you see
what it feels like to enlarge your space again, so that you
encompass the entire block where you are sitting. If you are
in the country, imagine that your personal space includes
the entire parcel of land you are on.

Once again enlarge your boundaries, so that you include the
whole county, then the whole state or province you are in,
with all the birds, animals, people and everything in it.

Now enlarge your personal space so that you encompass the
entire planet Earth. Again, notice how it feels to have the
whole planet within your personal space.

Okay, now gradually shrink it back down, stopping whenever
you wish, until the edge of your personal bubble is now
somewhere more comfortable and natural feeling.

Interesting feeling, isn't it? Now, just for curiosity,
check how your adjusted self-image looks. Does it feel any
different than it did before the boundary experiment? And
your other-image. Are the people in the image perhaps
smaller or farther away?

Enjoy these, and feel free to teach them to others if you
like. We can't have too much independence.

Seeya,

Tom Hoobyar

This article deals with time, which is going by too fast anyway. So I'm going to ask just a very little of yours to tell you how to get more out of it. I promise you’ll gain time from the minutes you spend reading this.

You know, when it's 2015 we may still be here, and there will be NO DIFFERENCE WHATSOEVER in our lives — except for the changes that we choose and take action to create.

A smart guy once told me that if he ran into me five years in the future, the only difference in me would have come from the books I had read and the people I had known.

You might want to think about what you'll read and who you'll choose to associate with this year.

Just a thought…

Seeya,

Tom

The words we use define our personal reality to ourselves as well as to others, and they have a very real effect on what we allow ourselves to think. The words we use are the way we tell ourselves what we deserve from life.

I was working at home while recovering from pneumonia. I took a phone call from Vikki's doctor. They asked me to have her call and make an appointment to "discuss her mammogram results".

That led to a biopsy then another wait for results, and then another call like the first one.

“The doctor wants you to come in…”

The biopsy was malignant.

When I was a teenager I wanted to be a cowboy instead of finishing high school. I was sent to work for a friend of my father who owned a ranch up in the mountains. I had no idea that the work I was about to begin would be so close to the job of CEO I had forty years later.

I've lived through eight recessions and run businesses during four of them. I've learned that some people thrive while the majority just panic. You don't have to roll over for this recession; you can create your own "upturn during the downturn". Then when the tough times are over, you'll be stronger and more successful than before!

It's just going to take more knowledge about human nature – both yours and the other guy's.

I guess I was in a bad mood to begin with. My wife and I had had a little misunderstanding in the morning just as I was leaving for my appointment and that never sits well with me.

Okay, I'm thinking "What can I possibly say about a New Year? Something that hasn't already been done by some professional columnist or talented blogger or — Shakespeare?"

Then I remind myself that I've seen a LOT of New Years, and have messed up at least as many resolutions as the next guy, have made many “new starts” that chugged to a halt by March or so.

So I’m an expert on what doesn’t work.