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Tom's 12 Laws of Life

These are natural laws of life. They are non-negotiable and there are no escape clauses. No excuses are accepted. It’s the way things are, and if you ignore them it’s at your own risk.

I collected this information over decades of living. I consider myself more lucky than wise, because many people never learn these rules at all. And so they live in ”quiet desperation”.

You don’t have to settle for that. If you consider these Laws and test them against your personal experience (NOT your conditioning!), I predict that you’ll adopt them, and you’ll be on your way to a life of freedom and accomplishment.

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1. You Are At The Center Of Your Universe. Stay There!

As a young sailor I learned the hard way that when I was in a foreign port, I needed to take my corners wide and keep my hands out of my pockets. In other words, I had to stay balanced, alert and ready to react to surprises.

I’ve found that a lot of life’s situations are like “foreign ports”. They range from the bedroom to the boardroom, and you will encounter them throughout your life.

Keep your balance. Stay centered. Expect surprises.

Being centered has two sides; inner and outer. Begin within.

Inner centeredness comes first; look there for your best self. It is where you will find peace of mind. There is a place in you – a doorway or a portal — that’s connected to something beyond you. That “doorway” is your center, and spending time there will keep your mind clear and your spirit refreshed.

Your center is easy to find. Every spiritual tradition in history teaches prayer and meditation — it’s the most nourishing thing you can do for your peace of mind.

Just take a little break a couple of times a day, and learn to be still and RELAX.

If you give yourself this little time each day you will become calmer, stronger and your physical and mental health will improve. You will develop more creativity and a stronger sense of identity.

Until you’re connected to your core you won’t be very good at handling the rest of the world. Few people really get this. It is the simplest and least understood fact of life.

For outer centeredness, you need to develop awareness of your personal boundaries. Pay close attention to where you stop, and where others start.

Protect your personal choices and respect those of others. Allowing others to invade your boundaries will destroy your personal freedom and subject you to their tyranny.

If you cross the boundaries of others you’ll become codependent with them, worrying more about how they live their lives than how you live yours. You can care about others without having to run their lives. Let them go.

People whose lives you were over-involved in will thank you and become more open with you once they can stop fighting you for their independence. And you will gain more energy for yourself, and more peace of mind.

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2. Self-Management And People Skills Are The Keys To Success and Happiness.

You will take two impressions of your life with you into your final moments. You’ll remember how it felt to be you, and what you told yourself about your life. And you’ll remember how you were treated by others, your relationships.

Your skill level in these two areas, self-management and people skills, determines the quality of your whole life. Every champion and high achiever knows this. These simple skills are the clear difference between those who have a good life, and those who don’t.

Self-Management
If you learn to manage yourself you can accomplish anything you can dream of. You will learn to love yourself and be patient with your shortcomings. You can deal with negative experiences wisely and you can add new skills as you need them. Self management puts you on the path to all that you desire. You can become unstoppable.

Most people limit themselves because they don’t think they can change. They won’t learn new things and they won’t change their behaviors, even when they discover they’ve been wrong.

The funny thing is, self-change is SIMPLE. Too many people focus on someone else as the cause of their unhappiness and forget to look in the mirror.

You are the one person that you can get hold of anytime you want. You don’t need permission or an appointment, and no one can stop you from learning and changing whenever you decide to.

The only obstacle is you! And while self-change is easier said than done, it’s the ONLY way you can grow. So commit to it, and study yourself as intensely as you study anything else. You are the engine of your life. Keep tuning it.

People Skills
Self-management is actually the first step to building people skills. When you begin changing yourself you will notice the people around you in a different way. You will see them more sympathetically, as fellow beings with their own fears and drives. And they will see that you care. A wise man once said that people “don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care”.

You are surrounded by people who can help you or harm you, based on how you treat them. And the process of succeeding with others can be learned just like you learn to make toast. If you follow directions and practice, you can develop the skills that will make you very happy and prosperous. And your life will be filled with wonderful company, because life is better when it’s shared.

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3. What You Think About Most Is What You Get.

There is a Law of Attraction in nature. Or maybe it’s psychological. I don’t know and frankly I don’t care. It’s more useful to know about how a principle works than why it works, and this one is laid out for you below.

Here it is in a nutshell. What is in your mind is reflected “out there”, in what you experience as your reality.

Afraid? Then all the goblins that you fear will be drawn to you. Protracted fear or worry means that you’re spending too much unprofitable time in the future.

The only useful purpose of fear is to remind you to plan. So do it. Plan to you protect yourself from obvious harm, and then focus on what you can do in the PRESENT. Because the present is where your future is being created.

Plunge ahead. Don’t become timid. If you play it TOO safe you’ll freeze in place and trade your life away for nothing.

Depressed? Then everything you think, see or hear will reinforce your lack of energy, engagement and action. Depression means that you’re spending too much passive time thinking about the past, and allowing it to imprison you in the present and steal your future. When you focus on the present you can change things. You can’t change the past, only your assessment of it.

Angry? Then you’ll get a lot of angry people to tussle with. Your life will fill up with honking horns and people pushing you around, and you’ll spend all your time pushing back. Get over your anger by dealing with the person who causes it – even if it’s the person who is looking back at you from the mirror. Believe me, anger doesn’t get any better with age. It sours a person.

It’s a good idea to choose your habitual thought patterns carefully.

Love, optimism and gratitude are good choices. These states of mind will inspire you to explore, to create, to grow and to give. People and opportunities will become attracted to you. And the goblins and angry people will get smaller and quieter and less important, and finally they’ll just fade out and go away.

Events are just events until our thoughts and reactions turn them into experience. What the experience means, how useful it might be, those are the choices that we make — they’re the stories we tell ourselves about our lives.

The point of choice comes when you have to deal with a challenging situation.

Will you call it a “bad break” – some S.O.B. was out to get you? Or can you call it just “something that happened”, giving yourself a chance to label it in the most nourishing way possible?

You might as well be positive. Bottom line — it works better and it takes less effort. It makes you easier to be around, and more creative and good-natured. And your immune system will be strengthened.

We’re taught that it’s not reasonable to expect to win all the time. Nonsense! That kind of thinking numbs ambition and smothers greatness. Even worse, it leads to excuses. Excuses don’t accomplish anything so do NOT be reasonable.

Actually, achieving the impossible is reasonable, and quite normal — you’ve done it thousands of times. EVERYTHING you do now was impossible for you before you did it the first time, from feeding yourself to balancing your checkbook.

Try this for a week. Focus on what you want instead of what you don’t want. Practice the skills of optimism, gratitude, generosity and forgiveness and your life will expand.

Yes, that’s right. PRACTICE.

Good attitudes are skills that you develop through repetition, just like swimming or buttering toast. And skills become second nature through practice. You will become stronger and more relaxed when you decide that you might as well thrive.

A commitment to expectancy is another skill, and it’s decisive and magnetic. It creates focus and attracts good fortune. People and opportunities will be drawn to you. Life starts to get easier. And more fun.

Go ahead and test it. What have you got to lose?

The only way you can fail at anything is to quit trying!

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4. You Make Your Habits And Then Your Habits Make You.

You’ve probably heard the saying, “As you sow, so shall you reap”. It means that our lives are created by what we actually do, not by what we intend to do.

It means that we can harvest only what we plant. And every day you’re planting something, so choose thoughtfully.

The biggest and most important influences in your life are created by small daily acts. For example — Meditate, Study, Set Goals, Save Money, Exercise, Floss, Smile, and Say Thank You.

When you do the right thing at the right time it makes more difference than if you make a big desperate effort too late. Cramming may work in school, but not in real life. The school term is over in a few months; life lasts longer.

You make your choices during each moment. Those moments turn into days. The days turn into years, and those years become your life.

The most important qualities in life — Spirituality, Health, Relationships, Wealth, and your Personal Character — are developed by regular acts done on a daily basis. They’re called “practices”.

Daily practices — done on schedule. What? Just “can’t do anything on a schedule”?

Baloney. You can do anything you want on a schedule, unless you’ve never gotten to a plane on time. It’s just a matter of choice. And your choices create your quality of life.

Choose the practices of your life as if you were a farmer. You can’t skip spring planting if you want a fall harvest. Master this principle and you will live your life to its fullest.

Changing your life doesn’t take a lot of work — just repeat a single positive act daily for three weeks and it will become a habit. Good.

Now add another one. Then another one, and you’ll find each new habit easier to create than the last one. The force of good habits will automatically generate power and good fortune, and your life will blossom.

Remember, the great monuments of mankind didn’t spring into reality all at once. They were built one brick or stone at a time.

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5. Guilt Enslaves You. Responsibility Liberates You.

Here’s a secret about “Original sin”. It’s guilt, and you got it from your parents.

Are you self-conscious? Most people are. They’re worried that they’re “unzipped”. They’re walking around thinking that people will notice their missing button, their bad hairdo, their poor credit ratings and personal flaws.

These feelings are universal — we all got them while we were being taught as infants (”No!” “Don’t!” “You’re too little; you don’t know enough!”). When we become adults we are supposed to leave these feelings of inadequacy in childhood where they were useful.

The way to do that is to forgive your parents for their shortcomings, whether they were major or minor. And then forgive yourself for all your sins and shortcomings, real and imagined.

Forgiving doesn’t mean that you think what happened was okay. It just means that you free yourself from the job of remembering it and getting mad at people that are not even around anymore. Including the younger “you”.

You need to do this if you want to be free. It’s like releasing a parking brake.

Okay. Got a handle on the Guilt? It may take some effort to erase it but it’s worth the time and effort.

Here’s the next part – Responsibility.

I originally didn’t want to have anything be “my fault”. Then as an entrepreneur I learned that I had responsibility for damn near everything. And you know what? It’s a great way to think!

If you hold yourself responsible for everything, you have more influence on how things turn out. Those who avoid responsibility can’t learn from their mistakes, because the problem is always “out there”.

When you take total responsibility you’re always thinking about how you can improve. The more responsibility you take, the more prerogative and initiative you have. You ask more questions, make fewer assumptions that “someone will take care of it”.

I’ve found that any drawbacks of responsibility are far outweighed by the power and freedom you get when you grab the reins of your life. ALL the reins.

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6. “Obligations” Are A Fraud.

Okay, take a deep breath here. And try to think about this with an open mind.

This one gets a lot of people, because most of us have been brainwashed all of our lives to believe a huge lie. We’ve all been taught that we “owe” other people all sorts of things, and that we should expect lots of things from them in return.

That idea, in one word, is bullshit.

We waste an incredible amount of time doing things we don’t want and don’t have to do, or feeling guilty because we didn’t do something we “should” have done. We also waste a lot of time and emotion being disappointed when we don’t get what we expect from others.

The truth is, we don’t involuntarily owe anyone anything, and they don’t owe anything to us. This is all part of the “guilt” thing.

Freedom lies in the opposite direction.

Please note, I’m talking about imposed obligations. What you commit to of your own free will is something else entirely. If there is any confusion on this point, see my earlier comments on the blessings of responsibility.

It’s good for us to give to others, but ONLY when and how we choose. Voluntary generosity of both spirit and substance is a virtue that will enrich your life. But it’s not generosity when it’s extorted.

The difference between free people who master their lives and those who are slaves is easy to spot. Who sets their priorities?

Free people set their own priorities, while “slaves” allow them to be set by others. Your life belongs to you and you alone — and not anyone else.

Want a formula for unhappiness? Make your welfare dependent upon someone else’s choices. Do you need “support” from those you love? Or approval from a parent or friend? Or permission from anybody to pursue your own path?

That’s not living — that’s slavery!

Don’t look to anyone else for your success or happiness. It’s your job and yours alone. You must tend to your own welfare. No one else will, nor should they. Only when you can care for yourself are you able to care for others.

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7. Expect Less From Others And More From Yourself.

Most people expect way too much from others while they themselves actually get very little done. Inertia and distraction are insidious and almost universal — You should expect it in most others, but guard against it in your own behavior.

Most of your fellow humans are so distracted and disorganized that they only get around to the most essential, familiar or urgent things in their lives. They’re on “autopilot” most of the time — aren’t we all on occasion?

Everyone listens to his or her favorite mental radio station — W.I.I.F.M., which stands for, “What’s In It For Me?” So don’t take it personally when you’re overlooked, your call goes un-returned, and you go un-thanked.

If you free yourself from these unrealistic expectations of others, you’ll release a lot of resentment and blockages in your life.

Are you in the habit of waiting for someone to do something they promised, or worse yet, something you think they “ought to do”? Have you let something die because you “left a phone message” or “sent an email” and then thought it was someone else’s responsibility?

How’s that working out for you?

My dad used to tell me, “Everybody drives his own donkey”. This self-interest is natural and healthy. Accept this knowledge of other’s desires and take them into account in your plans and proposals. It’s realistic to do so.

Then you can just assume that things will fall in the cracks and prepare to handle it when it happens, and love people for the fallible and distracted beings that they actually are.

Here’s the big principle. If you want something to happen, take control and do it yourself. Don’t get bitter if someone else didn’t keep a commitment to help you. That’s a waste of time and energy.

It’s also a waste of time to criticize others, and an even bigger waste to pay attention to anyone’s criticism of you. Just know that you can get better at doing things on your own. It’s a LOT easier than trying to get someone else to change.

Things will work out best if you focus ALL of your attention on becoming more personally productive and effective. Taking charge is the same thing as taking responsibility. Especially when it comes to taking charge of yourself.

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8. Nobody Wakes Up In The Morning Wanting To Be The “Bad Guy”.

Everyone alive thinks that they’re the “good guy.” He or she is always the hero in their version of the story – just like you and me. They have a reason for what they do — even if it’s impractical or unworkable or has evil consequences.

People who complicate life for themselves and others are like scorpions caught in the sun, waving their stinger around carelessly. You can get hurt if you get too close.

Treat them like you’d treat a drunk driver. Just stay away from them. If you have such a toxic person in your life, let them go or minimize your involvement with them. It’s the only sane thing to do.

You can’t “save” them, and you can’t change them. No one ever changes anybody. People change themselves, in their own time. Or they don’t.

People who are toxic aren’t worth changing even if you could. And you can’t. Don’t waste time complaining about them. Or going over the “injustice” of it.

If someone hurts you, it’s not about you and you shouldn’t feel like it was. People do what they do because of their own inner reality. Learn what you can do differently the next time, then forgive them and move on.

Really. Forgive them completely. And then, figure out how to manage, tolerate or avoid them in the future. Focus on cutting your losses and continuing your growth toward your goals.

You know, forgiving doesn’t mean that you think whatever they did is okay. It’s NOT okay. But here’s the thing — if you don’t forgive someone you can’t ever let it go. Then you have to go around with a burden of anger and sourness.

Wasn’t the original hurt enough for you? Why would you want to preserve it and rehearse it and remember it? Or them? Don’t you have more pleasant things to think about?

Carrying grudges ties up brain cells that you could use to make life sweeter for yourself and those you love. So, after you forgive them, forgive yourself for getting hurt, learn your lesson — and then LET IT GO!

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9. There Is No “Happily Ever After” In The Real World.

That doesn’t mean that you can’t have a wonderfully happy life. It just means that if you want a “happily ever after” you have to create it yourself.

Friends and mates may change or leave, luck comes and goes, and there are no guarantees. The only certainty is that someday your life will be over, and only you can decide how it will be lived.

Think about it. When would “Happily Ever After” start?

After you win the lottery? — Most lottery winners are broke within three years.
When the wedding bells ring? — Over half of all marriages fail.
When you retire? — 95% of those over 65 years old live from check to check.

Stories have to have happy endings, because the story ends before their characters do.

Real life is different. Your story will go on until you die, so you need to have a plan for every day of it. Choose your goals, write them down, and track them daily.

Your life will happen by accident unless you have a plan for it. Either way things will happen to you. On every day of your life, after every climax, after every tragedy and every triumph, the sun will rise again.

You get a new day every morning of your life. And as long as you’re alive you’ll have to prepare for that next day and the one after that, until there are no more.

Most people ignore this obvious fact. They don’t plan for a future, so it catches them by surprise, unprepared for either old age or emergencies. Remember that there is no stable certainty and plan for eventualities. Then make a “plan B” in case “plan A” doesn’t work out.

Respect reality.

Think as if you have a future, because that’s where you’re going to spend the rest of your life. Do you want it to be determined by blind luck? Or will you take charge as far as you can?

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10. There Is A Hell, And It Starts Early.

People create their own personal hell with moral shortcuts, regrets about lost opportunities, resentment, and guilt. Then they add jealousy and envy, and they’ve paid the toll to enter Hell’s suburbs.

What toll do they pay? They give up their peace of mind, and their self-respect.

They trade it for short-term pleasure and the temporary freedom of dodged responsibility. Then comes the habit of excuse-making and blaming others for their mishaps and disappointments.

Those who avoid doing anything that requires effort — whether it’s physical exercise or learning something new or dropping a grudge or doing something for someone else — grow more narrow and less flexible day by day. Stunted ambition strangles their dreams and their enthusiasm dies.

By the time they enter “downtown Hell” they’ve got a bad attitude about most things in life. They complain and criticize because “life has let them down”.

The truth is life didn’t let them down — they quit trying.

Pretty soon their immune system gets the message and then their physical afflictions begin — their relationships are desolate and life becomes an ordeal.

They start looking and acting older than they really are.

When these people look ahead, the future looks just like the past. Stretching on and on, day after unhappy day.

And that is truly Hell.

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11. You Can Create Paradise On Earth. Many People Do.

You can make your life sweeter bit by bit. It doesn’t take much, just some daily practice.

Spend some time in solitude each day renewing your peace of mind.

Invest in good memories by managing your behavior so that you enjoy looking back on your life. Protect your past with forgiveness, of others and of yourself.

Create your Heaven by small acts of generosity to others, helping people smile and feel better about themselves.

Create it by little acts of courage — doing the right thing when no one but you will ever know you did it. By making promises to yourself and keeping them, which builds your self-respect.

Create it by telling the truth even if it’s inconvenient or embarrassing. It makes you careful about what you do, or what you commit to doing. And that brings credibility and trust. And most important, you will know you’re liked for who you are instead of for a false front, a lie that you’re living.

You’re in Heaven’s neighborhood when you notice the amazing number of things in life there are to enjoy and be grateful for, especially as your gratitude becomes a constant part of your being.

Humans are the most flexible beings on this planet, and you build Heaven by stretching frequently to try something new or a little scary.

Your reward is learning that you are more than you thought you were.

And you can always stretch more. Every time you do, you get bigger in spirit.

As you become older your personal Heaven has a more nourishing influence on those around you. People will seek you out to ask advice and share triumphs. Your life will expand faster than your physical abilities can contract.

You will laugh a lot more than most people, and enjoy more contentment and peace than you ever thought possible. And it just keeps getting better and better.

If you choose to follow this path, you’ll be in Paradise long before you leave this life.

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12. It’s Never Too Late To Change.

Everyone alive gets the same amount of time. 1440 minutes a day. 168 hours in each week. As long as you live. The difference is in how you spend those hours.

You decide how to spend your time, and you make that choice each minute.

You can begin to turn your life around in a second.

The only thing you need to do is decide to make it better. You can start to change immediately, beginning with a simple act and letting the acts pile up on each other, creating the change almost effortlessly.

You know the scriptural quote, “By their deeds you shall know them”? It was talking about us. It doesn’t really matter much what we think or what we intend, until our thoughts are expressed as action.

The quality of our lives comes from what we actually do.

Experience comes in moments — and the moments will keep coming for you until they finally stop. Each moment is a gift, and the chance to make your life different comes to you during every one of them.

Each of these “Truths” is based on a single, simple principle.

Decide.

You can decide how your life will go during any moment you choose. This may be that moment.

It's okay to dream big. Where do you want to go from here? How do you want your next moments to be? It’s up to you.

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In Closing

I'd like to leave you with a personal note.

The odds are that I’m older than you, and I’ll confess something. I wasn’t born knowing these Laws. I got them one by one, over decades that would have gone better if I had known – and followed — all of these rules earlier.

But the bottom line is I eventually got them, and with each new learning, every area of my life (health, wealth, relationships and happiness) has been able to get better and better.

Do I follow them consistently? Of course not – I’m human, and not as wise as I want to be. But things sure work more smoothly when I do, and I’m continually trying to get better.

The very few regrets I have are not about the “sins” I may have committed. My regrets are about things I didn’t do when the opportunity arose — the promises not kept, the risks not taken, the paths not explored, the apologies not offered, and most sadly, the simple generosities not given.

I invite you to avoid creating regrets in your future by embracing opportunities for growth as they appear. This article may be one of those opportunities.

And who knows?

You could decide to use these rules as guidelines, and spend your life turning your dreams into reality and being a blessing to those fortunate enough to be around you.

If you try it, I think you’ll like it.

Seeya,

Tom