Here’s a tip you can learn from a client of mine without
going through his pain.
Let’s call him “Mike”.
Mike had a deal go sour and it ended up in arbitration. They
came up with a settlement that they both signed but the
other guy wasn’t keeping up his side.
Mike and the other guy had been old friends.
Their kids went to school together and their wives were on
the same charities.
So they saw each other regularly at charity events and
school functions. Mike was pretty ticked off, and wanted to
blast his former friend at one of these gatherings.
And that reminded me of an experience I had back when I was
running a manufacturing plant. Well, actually it was a
hassle but now that I look back on it I can see it as a
useful lesson.
And maybe it’ll be useful to you also.
It can show you a way to deal with difficult people, and a
way not to.
Back to the time when I ran a small high tech company.
A man contacted us and said he had a new idea for a product
that we might be interested in making. He wanted to meet me
to discuss it.
I agreed to the meeting.
Since we would be discussing his idea and perhaps some of
our trade secrets in manufacturing, I sent him our standard
non-disclosure agreement.
This agreement allows two people to share secrets, but
prevents either side from using them apart from the other
party. It’s to stop one side from “going around” the other.
He refused our form and sent us his form instead.
Our attorneys took a look at his form and wouldn’t let me
sign it.
They warned me that it contained so many “bear traps” and
setups for penalty that it would be dangerous to even talk
with this guy if I signed his form.
I wrote to him explaining this. I said that I would be happy
to meet with him under reasonable protections, but that his
form would penalize me even for using information after the
meeting that was common knowledge.
So we didn’t have the meeting. I wished him well and forgot
about him.
Later at a trade show, while I was discussing our products
with a customer, this guy showed up and made a nuisance of
himself. He claimed — loudly — that we tried to rip him
off for his idea.
I got hot under the collar, told him in front of my customer
that he was “full of it,” and sent him away.
Although I was in the right, my hot reaction chilled my
customer. It probably cost me much of the business I might
have done with this guy.
I warned my client Mike about my experience.
I told Mike that even though the guy told lies about me at
that trade show, my hot-tempered response when I blasted him
back had turned off the customer who witnessed my outburst
and it had probably damaged a profitable relationship.
What I wished I had said at that trade show was this:
“Hey, I’m sorry you’re disappointed that we didn’t do
business – so am I. My lawyers wouldn’t let me sign the
agreement that you sent me, and you didn’t want to sign the
more conventional agreement that we sent you. So we didn’t
meet and no one got hurt. I know that you and I had a
disagreement and I apologize for my part in it. I respect
you, and would like it if we can part as friends so maybe
we’ll get a chance to work together in the future.”
That would have worked out a lot better than my blast did.
And the customer that I had been talking to might have
thought, “Wow, Tom’s a reasonable guy even when there’s a
disagreement. Sounds like I could work with him.”
In any event, I’ve learned that a sincere “I’m sorry things
didn’t work out” isn’t the same as taking the blame for
something. It shows respect for the other person’s
discomfort and it’s not focused on conflict or making someone
wrong.
So I told Mike this story from my own past and he did what I
wished I had done.
The next time Mike saw his old friend he took this attitude.
He told him that he was sorry they were in disagreement. He
said he would like to work things out to both of their
satisfaction, since they had been friends and were in the
same community.
Mike concluded with, “Just because we can’t do business
together doesn’t mean we can’t be good friends and
neighbors, does it?”
A friend of mine who was at the charity lunch where this
took place told me what happened next.
“The other guy’s face got red,” he told me. “He shook Mike’s
hand and thanked him for his courtesy, and said that his
wife and Mike’s wife had wanted them to get together before
this, and that now he would do so gladly.”
“It’s funny,” my friend said to me. “Mike was the one who
apologized, but he seemed to come out of it as the winner to
those of us who saw it.”
So consider expressing your regrets sometimes, NOT because
you were at fault, but just to recognize that the other
party may have some regrets also.
By being honest about your regrets you may open up space for
another relationship, if not with that person then perhaps
with someone else who sees how generous you can be.
Here’s the big lesson. There are three phrases that only
confident people will use freely.
“Please”
“Thank you”
“I’m sorry it didn’t work out”
Consider where these expressions of respect for others would
be appropriate for you. They soften relationships.
Seeya,
Tom
